Home' Trinidad and Tobago Guardian : August 25th 2014 Contents Things Money Can Buy:
One thousand and
ninety-five pairs of
pairs a day, to be
modelled by me
Guardian www.guardian.co.tt Monday, August 25, 2014
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Happy Birthday SAM!
People who say money isn t everything have no
imagination. Never trust a person who says that.
It either means that he or she already has too much
money and wants to keep the rest of us poor, or is
an alien android cleverly disguised as a real human
being with such earthly appendages as a mortgage
and cable TV bill. Whenever I hear some sap repeating
that money can t buy happiness, I think, "Liar!
My friend Cheryl Lala, a quirky advertising and
public relations maven, has the right idea about
money and what it can buy. Give her a few million
and she will have no trouble allocating the funds.
Her list includes: never having to work another day
in life; a well-appointed, fully air-conditioned home
with infinity pool overlooking a gorgeous beach; staff
to maintain the house; exotic travel any time; top-
notch medical care; Porche, Ferrari, Lamborghini,
Bugatti, Aston Martin, Maserati, or Morgan sports
car; full-time personal masseuse; full-time personal
chef; rescue sanctuary for stray cats and dogs; and
a personal trainer.
When Cheryl unveiled her list of The Things Money
Can Buy, I figured that all clever women should have
one just like it.
If you really believe that collecting money is evil,
here is the sensible thing to do: get rich first and
then if you don t like it, you can always go back to
being poor. But to settle the whole question of whether
money corrupts, I am volunteering myself as a human
Cheryl, this is much too dangerous, even for you,
my beloved and faithful contrarian. I can t let you
sacrifice yourself for the good of the ungrateful masses,
so you are going to have to sit out this mission. If
the philosophers and sages are right, I could be risking
my immortal soul by testing the theory that money
burns holes through one s passport to heaven.
My starter kit as a test subject in what has been
officially named The Cheryl Project includes a zillion
dollars, held in escrow, which I have to earn in six
weeks without doing a lick of work. That shouldn t
be too difficult. I can open a janitorial or catering
service and get a contract for cleaning out the airspace
above the city of Port of Spain or delivering bowls
of hot water soup every day to underprivileged mil-
While the water is boiling for the soup, I shall
compile my Things Money Can Buy list. Here s the
1. One thousand and ninety-five pairs of shoes---
that s three pairs a day, to be modelled by me at
breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
2. Kennel of german shepherds and labradors, and
a full-time groomer, walker and veterinarian to take
care of the pooches.
3. A palomino and a full-time trainer to teach me
to ride the beautiful blond beast.
4. A trip around the world and a crew of paparazzi
to follow me everywhere as if I am a celebrity. Big
designer sunglasses and an insistent pout also
required to complete the someone-famous image.
5. Agricultural estate with acres of zaboca,
mango, gros michel, guava, and pommecythere
6. A solar-powered self-cleaning mansion next
door to Oprah s 42-acre estate in California, so
she can pop over any time to borrow my Jimmy
7. Designer ear plugs so I don t have to listen
to the torrents of stupid emanating from sections
of the population who have access to microphones.
8. Personal full-time assistant to pick up dry
cleaning, pay utility bills, wash the cars, plan
overseas vacations, and polish the door knobs.
9. Personal full-time dressmaker, parfumier,
aethestician, and hairdresser who won t attack
my hair with chemicals and electric weapons.
10. Personal full-time sommelier, barista and
chef---who must be able to extract all calories
from everything, and make wafer-thin sada roti
and the best ever caraillie choka, slight pepper.
• Share your money list at wrenchelsa@hot-
Of course, money can buy happiness!
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