Home' Trinidad and Tobago Guardian : November 17th 2014 Contents A35
Monday, November 17, 2014 www.guardian.co.tt Guardian
Just the thing to distract us from the
important stuff---Kim Kardashian, glisten-
ing in baby oil, has displayed her famous
bottom again, this time in the pages of the
New York fashion magazine Paper. She is
wearing black elbow-length satin gloves
and looks as if she is about to step into or
out of a black evening gown when she is
surprised by a peeping tom. Except she
has invited the peeper to the party.
This new exposure is said to be an attempt
to break the Internet, although up to this
morning, the thing was working very nicely.
Just in case her naked behind was not
enough, the magazine includes a full frontal
picture of gravity-defying Kim---doing the
full monty, with no coy interruption or fake
modesty of a scrap of lingerie, or crumpled
silk sheets. As soon as the pictures were
released, the spoofs started flowing.
Cartoonists, comedians and Internet mean
people have now compared Kim s famous
assets to glazed doughnuts, inflated hotdogs,
genetically-modified potatoes, and a plastic
Barbie. One Twitter-er said Kim looked like
a centaur---woman in front, horse behind.
Entourage actor Adrien Grenier superim-
posed his head on her bootilicious body.
Another Tweeter created a picture of the
Rosetta probe landing on her ample back-
ground. Piers Morgan posted one word only,
Kim s fans say she wanted to do the cover
to celebrate her post-baby bod as well as
to have a last show-off before she has anoth-
er baby. All that sounds really cute, but
nobody really cares why Kim likes to pose
nude; they just want to know if her pix are
Photoshopped, if she has liposuctioned the
Let's get to the bottom of this
for a long
topic on the
fat from her tummy
and injected it in her
butt, if she has cel-
lulite, if she goes to
bed wearing fake lash-
es and eyeliner.
Not that I care,
particularly, but I had
my people call Kim s
people and the
answers to the ques-
tions are no, no, yes,
sometimes. That s
their story and my
investigative team is busy elsewhere, so I m swallowing
it all for now. The magazine s editor Mickey Boardman
says there was no faking in the photo, jut retouching
to clean things up, and the thin Barbie waist has to
do with the angles, lighting and, she just has a tiny
waist. Kim herself has admitted publicly that she
has some cellulite although there is none to be seen
in the retouched images.
New York cosmetic surgeons say we are just butt
stupid if we believe the photos are real. Dr Basil Pake-
man says he noticed a tiny dot near the top of her
backside which is where surgeons make their incision
to inject fat during the procedure. And Dr Victoria
Kalinsky says she can t imagine anyone without an
ounce of body fat anywhere else producing that much
fat to create such a huge behind.
While I would much rather be out feeding the poor
and rescuing baby seals from poachers, I am engaging
in all this gossip purely because my dear readers
have asked for my help. My traditionally-built readers
want to know if big behinds can only be popular if
someone from Foreign has one (before Kim, there
was J-Lo) and why should some cheeky chick from
New York get all that attention for a body part that
so many cute Caribbean women possess.
Gentle readers, this is the world we brought on
ourselves, the world of selfies and Instagrams. Kim
is famous because all you Internet junkies made her
so. So you will have to live with her large exclamation
point in your psyche for some time, until some other
celebrity body part changes life as we know it. Think
what Beyonce did for the weave industry.
Besides, big behinds are not all they are promoted
to be. They are incredibly hard to accessorise, and
nothing off the rack will fit unless you have a very
good tailor to alter seams. Kim created this whole
industry around her proportions because otherwise
she would have nothing to wear.
Please note that Kim has her own clothing line.
That is the only way she could clothe that expensive
protrusion and call the result fashion. Bottoms up!
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