Home' Trinidad and Tobago Guardian : March 12th 2015 Contents B6
Guardian www.guardian.co.tt Thursday, March 12, 2015
Here in Great Britain, the leader of the opposition,
Ed Miliband, kicked off his general election campaign
by wining and jammin on literally dozens of under-
age girls at an open-air party on the member s terrace
of the House of Commons last week.
News of Miliband s dance moves reverberated around
the corridors of power in the Palace of Westminster,
which has been covered in scaffolding for 45 years
while successive generations of architects and archae-
ologists have fought pitched battles in the catacombs
below the building over the excavation of skeletons
thought to have dated back to the late Saxon peri-
od.Reeking of real English ale which he was seen swilling
from the kind of handled pint glasses last seen in
pubs with no windows during the three-day week
electricity crisis in 1973, Miliband was photographed
as women wined on him from every conceivable angle.
Questioned about his actions, Miliband told jour-
nalists, "Look trouble now," and disappeared back into
He was later heard
screaming, "I looking
for bacchanal. All over
the place I hunting.
Wining up on every
gyal," before ripping off
his shirt and waving it
over his head.
This radical departure
from traditional cam-
paigning tactics is
believed to have been
thought up by the
Labour party s back-
room strategists, several
of whom visited T&T
on a field trip last month to monitor preparations for
the election in the former British colony which, unfath-
omably, still uses the Westminster system of politics.
Nicky Morgan, the Minister for Women and Equal-
ities quickly took to Twitter calling for Miliband to
explain his actions or step down from his position as
"Mr Miliband has a wife at home. She must be
appalled by this," she tweeted, and was quickly drawn
into a minefield of trolling Labour supporters who
photoshopped her face onto memes of Nicki Minaj s
Anaconda video and plastered them over the Inter-
"I d wine on him," the shadow Minister for Women,
Gloria De Piero, tweeted back. "And bloody hard too."
The tweets were later deleted from her account.
Asked whether he had any regrets over his actions,
Miliband claimed that he just wanted to wine on
something---a staggering suggestion from a man hith-
erto seen as dowdy and dry. The Labour political
machine appears to have gone into overdrive and
public opinion poll ratings soared further as the week
went on and the shadow cabinet came out in force
on the campaign trail, getting behind their leader and
endlessly gyrating on literally anything that moved.
"Let s see whether Mr Cameron is prepared to wine
on the dutty ground," Miliband taunted his rival, the
incumbent Prime Minister, as a quintet of buxom,
multi-ethnic dancing girls in Labour-branded pum
pum shorts jammed hard on shadow chancellor Ed
Balls onstage at Doncaster town hall.
Following the party whip, Labour s deputy leader,
Harriet Harman was seen wukking and dragging her
bottom all over her constituency of Camberwell and
Peckham, shouting "ten woman to every man!" in
what was thought to be the starkest signal yet of the
intentions of Labour s feminist fringe to flood par-
liament with women once elected.
"What we ve seen here today is rel ting," Shadow
Minister for Business, Innovation and Skills, Chuku
Umunna bellowed into the microphone as his truck
pulled through his constituency of Lambeth. "Leh we
end di party right now! And yes, I do mean the Con-
Behind the truck, Labour fanatics scrawled the
Look trouble now in Westminster
initials of their party on the road and graffitied
every conceivable surface with political slo-
gans and puns in a garish red.
Meanwhile in Trinidad, opposition leader
Keith Rowley, dressed in a suit and tie was
seen entering his office before dawn where
he remained for most of the day putting the
finishing touches to a spending plan and
responding to correspondences from com-
munity leaders and constituents.
Plans for his election campaign are not
said to feature any form of bacchanal. Indeed,
bacchanal has been removed from the PNM s
constitution as the party looks to revolutionise
its approach to attracting votes.
"We ve done all kinds of mad tings in the
past," a spokesman at Balisier House said
"The public are looking for a much, much
more boring approach these days. See all
this shouting and screaming and waving and
blaring out soca music when we come
onstage? That kind ah ting is just chupidness.
In England they visit agricultural projects
and hospital wards. It s a lot more awkward.
There s a lot more staid, uncharismatic rep-
etition of key policy matters on local radio
stations. I ve literally never heard anybody
call anybody else a thief. It s quite remarkable.
Reminded of the time when Britain s
deputy prime minister John Prescott punched
a protester in the face in 2001, the spokesman
replied, "But what the a-- is this? The man
pelt an egg in Prescott s face you know!"
It promises to be a fascinating election
Reeking of real English
ale which he was seen
swilling from the kind
of handled pint glasses
last seen in pubs with
no windows during the
electricity crisis in
1973, Miliband was
women wined on him
from every conceivable
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