Home' Trinidad and Tobago Guardian : December 20th 2015 Contents B28
Sunday Guardian www.guardian.co.tt December 20, 2015
Part 2 of Control Drama
Assertive communication con-
tains a tone of accountability and
puts the issue/problem in the past.
In other words, accountability
Ownership stops the blame game
and stifles control dramas. It is note-
worthy to mention here that control
dramas are present in mindless gos-
sip about others. When we talk about
other people, even when they are
not present, we tend to allow defen-
siveness back into the conversation.
If you pay close attention to gossip,
you will hear messages that contain
opinions, emotions, judgments and
blame moving to the forefront of
the conversation and this allows con-
flict to stay active or even worse, it
adds fuel to the drama.
Below are the components needed
when constructing an accountable
and drama free message. If these
components are present in your
message during a difficult conver-
sation, the conversation will be more
balanced and thus more effective.
You will then be able to, more readily,
put the issue in the past.
• P---Be sure to include a polite
and professional introduction and
maintain this tone throughout the
interaction. "I hope this email finds
you well. I have been thinking about
you since our last interaction."
• A---Be willing to apologise for
anything in which you are respon-
sible, verbally agree with one or more
of their talking points, and find a
quality or behaviour of theirs you
can appreciate and admire it aloud.
"I have come to realise it was wrong
of me to talk poorly about our work
processes to anyone other than our
team and I apologise for doing so.
Please know I realise how much time
you put into these projects and
appreciate your hard work."
• S---Tell them how you intend
to/plan to solve the issue at hand or
ask them directly what can be done
to resolve it. "Next time I will..."
"How would you like me to handle
discrepancies with our work orders
as we move forward?"
• T---Thank them for the oppor-
tunity to meet/communicate and
target a positive interpersonal mes-
sage. "Thank you for hearing me
out; I am glad we discussed this
issue because I enjoy working with
you and want us to be on the same
Common feelings and needs
Most people have the same basic
desire to get along with others and
live a drama free life. Knowing this
we can choose to communicate with
others on a basic human level per-
taining to our needs. One s personal
truth can be most easily recognised
as a feeling. Your feelings can directly
help you define and understand your
needs. When you choose to interact
with others from an authentic place,
you choose to openly express your
feelings and your needs with them.
In other words, you choose to be
accountable and responsible for your
intentions, requests, actions and
You can choose to use a
feeling/need sequence when resist-
ance presents itself in a conversation.
Most people are inspired to find res-
olution when mutual understanding
is present. Mutual understanding is
created when open expression, where
each person shares his/her true feel-
ings and needs (intentions), is includ-
ed. People feel the most supported
and non-defensive when messages
are solution oriented and sponta-
neous, rather than premeditated. In
other words, supportive messages
cause us to feel equal, respected,
understood, and accepted for who
we are and how we experience the
world around us.
How to directly apply a
Learn to say no: Acknowledge the
other s feelings: "I can see you are
excited about your new job selling
insurance and that it is going well
State your position: "I am happy
with my current insurance provider
and am not interested in changing
providers at this time."
Say no: "So thank you so much
for thinking of me and no, I am not
interested in purchasing insurance
from you right now."
Manage disruptive behaviour: "I
am feeling overwhelmed because
everyone seems to be talking at once
saying so we all understand the task
Respond to emotions: "So you are
feeling anxious about the move and
need to know more about how it
will be conducted?"
Offer praise: Tell the person what
they did specifically, how it made
you feel and what need it met for
you: "I noticed you traded toys with
your sister and it made me feel very
proud of you because we value shar-
ing in this family."
Solve a problem: "Can we back
up for a minute? I feel confused
Communicating with accountability
JANICE LEARMOND CRIQUI CPC, ACC
Ideal Life Associate Certified Coach
Continues on page B29
Mutual understanding is
created when open expression,
where each person shares
his/her true feelings and needs
(intentions), is included.
People feel the most
supported and non-defensive
when messages are solution
oriented and spontaneous,
rather than premeditated.
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