Home' Trinidad and Tobago Guardian : September 2nd 2013 Contents A40
Guardian www.guardian.co.tt Monday, September 2, 2013
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Where is Denise Belfon when you need her?
I would like to lock the professor emerita of wining
in a padded room with Miley Cyrus for 24 hours and
take absolutely no bets on who will emerge begging
for someone to put a compress on her achy breaky
Poor Miley. The chick just looked overwhelmingly
outta timing at the VMA awards last week, like she
was trying too hard and mistook energy for talent.
Being seriously challenged in the posterior, Miley,
and her performance, could correctly be described
The story is that Miley wanted her performance
to be edgy, with a hip hop vibe, to release her inner
Lil Kim. She told her producers, "I want something
that feels black."
Now, I am not touching that with kryptonite gloves.
The obvious retort is just too easy, but this tiny-
winey wannabe needs some self-actualisation therapy,
or a quick peek in a mirror might do.
Bet nobody at the awards listened to her lyrics, so
bombed-out were they by her waist overdrive and
Styrofoam finger, but one line goes like this: "We
run things, things don t run we." Super Cat, Red
Dragon, somebody, quick, rescue this woman from
That s the problem with dopes. They think they
can just fling a few diluted lyrics here and there, like
plastic accessories, and gyrate like a robot with a
blown fuse, and they have culture. You think Denise
Belfon, Fay-Ann Lyons and Destra Garcia just woke
up one morning with all that sex appeal and pro-
fessionalism in their hips and waists? Natural fluidity
is one thing but intelligent wining requires market
research, dedication, stamina and lots of Spandex.
Americans call what Miley was doing "twerking."
Now, I ask you---what could be sexy, naughty, nice
or entertaining about anything called twerking? The
term sounds like something to do to the nose of the
dweeb who spills his cola on you at MovieTowne.
The Miley Cyrus VMA buzz reminds me of how
it took someone named Bo Derek in 1979
to make cane rows fashionable. Before Bo
and the movie 10, you couldn t work in a
bank with the traditional braided hairstyle
because it might Shaka Zulu the bejezus
out of the management. But let some
obscure blonde bounce along a beach in
slow motion on screen and, suddenly, cane
rows are temptress-cool.
Same thing with bottoms. As Penny
Commissiong appropriately sneered in a
recent interview, it took Jennifer Lopez to
make bottoms popular.
That s the power of marketing, I suppose.
Denise Belfon had better watch her rear and
send a legal letter to dictionary editors every-
where to include her name in the modern
definition of "wining" and "bubbling." After
all, twerking is now in the dictionary, thanks
to one poom-poom shorts performance
from Hannah Montana s evil twin.
I have one more suggestion for the Oxford
English Dictionary editors. Miley: an exple-
tive, to be thought, but never uttered.
Miley, meet Saucy Wow
The story is that Miley wanted her performance to
be edgy, with a hip hop vibe, to release her inner Lil
Kim. She told her producers, "I want something that
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