Home' Trinidad and Tobago Guardian : February 9th 2014 Contents | SERIOUS HUMOUR |
By Roslyn Carrington
VALENTINE'S DAY? What, AGAIN? Some peo-
ple may enjoy that special day, and the relation-
ships it celebrates, but not you. While you may
love dressing up and stepping out, being wined
and dined, you're not too keen on your first dates
progressing into relationship territory, with all
the heartache and conflict that go with it. So, in
honour of the relationship-phobic among us, we
offer some helpful hints on how to ensure a life-
time of random dates that never go anywhere.
• BE GENEROUS WITH YOUR MAKEUP
Clear some space on your bathroom counter, and
lavishly sprinkle it with powder, blush, and an
array of eye shadows. Clashing colours are best.
Then slam your face into your work of art, and
really get it smeared on there. Use bright, shiny
lipstick for your finishing touches. A Kabuki mask
of makeup will add glamour AND drama to your
• PUT YOUR BEST WARES ON DISPLAY
No shopkeeper ever got anything sold by hiding
his best merchandise in a back room, and neither
should you. Your best body parts should be as
noticeable as you can make them without your
ensemble being grounds for arrest. Sometimes
it's hard for a guy to decide exactly what he likes
best about you. All you're doing is helping him
out by eliminating the guesswork.
• SHOW OFF YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF CARS
When your date arrives, spend a few moments
minutely studying his car. Go ahead ---ask him
how much he paid for it. Let him know you're a
car enthusiast, too, by describing in detail all the
other rides you've been in that were newer,
faster, and fancier than his. Especially if they
were driven by former boyfriends.
• FIDDLE WITH HIS SOUND SYSTEM
Avoid getting stuck listening to his crappy music
collection for the entire evening by taking charge
of his car stereo. Fiddle with the buttons, switch-
ing from station to station. Spice up his hum-
drum morning commute by changing his preset
radio stations to your favourites. That way as he
drives, he'll think of you. Get his mind along the
fast track to romance by popping in your own CD
collection of torch songs. We recommend Celine
• CRITICISE THE MEAL
Your knowledge of good food is a signal that
you're fantastic cook, and a hint that you'd love
to whip up a special meal for him sometime.
Show off your culinary know-how by picking
your dinner apart --- both literally and figuratively
--- drawing his attention to the many mistakes
the chef has made. Tell him exactly how you
would have done it, if you'd been back there in
the kitchen. If he orders something for himself
that you don't eat, remark on how gross it is, and
ask him how can he bring himself to put any-
thing that looks or tastes like that in his mouth.
Give him a quick and dirty lesson in wine appre-
ciation by pointing out that the one he ordered
does NOT pair well with your entree.
• BE SILENT AND MYSTERIOUS
Remember those dramatic movie heroines of
earlier days, who could say everything they
needed to with their deep, dark eyes? Try the old
"seduce him with silence" trick by keeping your
speech to a minimum while throwing smoulder-
ing glances his way. Let him take charge of the
conversation by making him come up with all the
topics, and letting him ask all the questions. For
added allure, leave him to answer his questions
• LIVE TWEET THE EVENT
You've landed a date with a man who's charming,
entertaining, and not too hard on the eyes. Does-
n't the whole world deserve to know about it?
Entertain your 723 friends and followers by live-
tweeting your way through the date, or updating
your Facebook status at every critical juncture.
Squeeze onto his lap for a selfie, or, better yet,
ask the waiter to take it for you. It's not like he
has anything better to do.
• REMIND HIM THAT ONLY IDIOTS LEAVE TIPS
Show off your financial savvy by reminding him
that restaurant bills come with a built-in service
charge. It's all just a huge swindle, anyway, and
dinner was already so expensive. Why should
the waitress get any money?
• MAKE SURE HE KNOWS
HOW FULL YOUR DANCE CARD IS
The worst thing you can do is let him think you're
sitting around at home, waiting for him to take
you out again. If he does ask for another date, tell
him you'll get back to him after you see if there's
anything better going on. So if you do find time
for him, he'll be all the more grateful.
There you go, a few simple ways to make sure
you won't have to bother about dealing with re-
lationship problems, either for this Valentine's
Day, or many more to come. You're welcome.
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