Home' Trinidad and Tobago Guardian : February 23rd 2014 Contents 14|
| SERIOUSLY? |
IT'S PARTY TIME! Which is fantastic . . . except
that fetes these days have become so compli-
cated, what with ID bracelets, VIP areas, long
lines, not enough bathrooms, and all kinds of pit-
falls that can spoil your enjoyment if you don't
The answer to the feting dilemma is to steal a
few tricks from the masters of strategy them-
selves: military men, and highly trained special
operations personnel at that.
Yeah: the guys who hunt down the world's most
wanted, who breach international borders un-
detected, and who can overthrow a rogue gov-
ernment and make it back home before
breakfast are also the best people to study
when it comes to enjoying a fete. Here are a few
hints straight out of their playbook.
Choose your team wisely
Anybody with the right qualifications can be-
come a soldier, but it is the rare few who are se-
lected to be part of any elite ops team. Choose
your feteing posse with care. Include on your list
of personae non gratae people like:
• High maintenance divas who turn up late
because they couldn't get their hair right,
complain incessantly when they have to
drink regular beer instead of lite, and con-
stantly drag you to the bathroom to help
fix their make-up;
• Trigger-finger tempers eager to get into a
brawl if someone steps on their shoes or
blocks their view;
• Escape artists who will abandon you the
second someone shows any sexual inter-
est in them, and spend the evening making
out in the tray of a stranger's truck.
Do your recon
Scope out the battleground as soon as you get
there. Make sure you note the layout, especially
exits, bathrooms and the stage. How many dou-
bles men are there? Where are the bars? Are
there any pockets of eye candy around to ogle
at . . . discreetly? A good risk assessment makes
for a successful field incursion.
Fan out and conquer
So much to eat! So much to drink! Think you can
get to it all? Not by yourself, you won't. Give
every member of your team a mini-mission;
send them out in pairs to hit the different coun-
ters and bring back rations for everyone. One
gets the corn soup while the other handles the
drinks. The less time you spend in line is the
more time you have to enjoy yourself.
By Roslyn Carrington
Watch one another's six
You can keep an eye on your "twelve o'clock", that is,
right in front of you, and your "three" and "nine" at
each side, but your "six o'clock" --- what goes on be-
hind your back, is a literal blind spot. Make sure to
watch one another's backs, for things like pickpock-
ets, drink-spillers, and hit-and-run winers.
Take no prisoners
You know all that food and drink you paid for in your
all-inclusive ticket? Well, you can't eat it all; don't
bother trying. And don't bother taking any home, ei-
ther. Because the gyro that smelled so good at the
party will squish its way to the bottom of your purse
. . . until you remember it some time next afternoon.
At which point you will need a HAZMAT suit and a
biohazard disposal unit.
Delegate authority wisely
Choose the best person for the right task. Most im-
portantly, make sure your designated driver is reli-
able, willing and able to get you all home alive. Nuff
More points to remember:
• Maintain ready access to communications and
data: make sure your phone is topped up and
• Decontamination equipment is an essential
part of your battle gear: Don't assume there
will be toilet paper in the bathrooms. Walk
with a pack of paper tissues. The same goes
for sick-bags in your car.
• Recognise when it's time for a strategic re-
treat: as soon as the first bottle goes skyward,
get the hell out.
• Know your deterioration limit: stop drinking
BEFORE you feel drunk, because when you
are, you won't be able to draw the line.
• Beware of friendly fire: when the music is sweet
and your head is a tiny bit bad, you might find your-
self getting a bit too down and dirty with a mem-
ber of your own team. Such fraternisation might
not be ideal, but it does happen. It's important to
limit your antics, as they may lead to awkward
rumblings among the team once the sun comes
• Most importantly, never leave a fallen soldier be-
hind. If one of your team exceeds recommended
limits of mind-altering consumables, i.e. if he or she
is absolutely bladdered, don't leave them alone.
The enemy is cunning, and he will take advantage
of any weakness. Make sure your teammate gets
home safely. Take care of your crew, and your crew
will take care of you.
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