Home' Trinidad and Tobago Guardian : March 10th 2014 Contents A31
Monday, March 10, 2014 www.guardian.co.tt Guardian
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Let s keep my personal life
out of this but I sympathise
tremendously with the stars
who walked the red carpet at
the Oscars recently.
The things they have to go
through to look luscious are just
mind-bending. The primping
goes beyond juice fasts, cortisone
shots for pimples and fake eye-
lashes. My manicurist s cousin
who lives next door to the
housekeeper for Gwyneth Pal-
trow swears that some actresses
use leeches to detoxify.
Only a true glamazon would
understand. Just to avoid scaring
little children on mornings, I
require masses of overnight
preparation. What? You think I
wake up looking this fab?
Aah, my poor deluded
lovelies. This amount of mar-
vellous takes work, my dears,
lots of work. Which is why I am
a secret adviser to the stars who
need to be excruciatingly perfect
on the red carpet at the big
Baby powder gets dusted into
hair to give it more traction to
make those updos stay where
they belonged. Botox is injected
everywhere, including armpits
to prevent sweating.
On the big day, celebs avoid
salt altogether to avoid the dread
bloating but they are allowed to
eat maybe an egg and a tomato
otherwise during the awards
ceremony, they might bite
There is double-sided tape in
every personal assistant s and
publicist s purse. Hey, silicone
or not, those expensive assets
do not stay put all by them-
The hardcore celebs bring
their own tailors, in case a zipper
break, as happened to Sofia Ver-
gara at the Emmys when her
bumptious bum popped out
from an emerald sequinned seam
and she had to be sewn back
into her gown.
Then there is the underwear
situation. It can get ugly.
Remember how Gabourey Sidibe
was shredded on Twitter for the
white gown (and unforgiving
undergarment) she wore to the
Those cameras pick up every
hint of flab and thigh dimple in
Hollywood. Spanx? Come on,
this is the Oscars. You need hard
core Special Forces techniques.
So that s where pasties come in.
Yeah, pasty panties.
They do for Down There what
boob pasties do for Up Above.
They are like wearing nothing
while wearing something, so
your mamas won t be totally
scandalised and disown you on
the Maury show.
Once hair and make-up are
done and the gown zipped,
celebs need a whole other bag
of tricks to look fab. I don t like
to brag but it was I who advised
Cate Blanchett to perfect her
look by getting dressed in a hotel
close to the venue so she could
then walk to the red carpet. That
way she is not wrinkling her
skirt in a limousine.
Now Cate is an ethereal beau-
ty and I love her to death, despite
her attempts to get me to take
up yoga, but all that wafty illu-
sion effect and the pale hair and
pale eyebrows just make me
think of acupuncture and oat-
Give me the vavoom of Sandra
Bullock (she is not curvy enough
to warrant another "va" in the
vavoom) who chose a navy side-
draped Alexander McQueen
gown or Kate Hudson in Old
Hollywood glamour by Versace.
And there are no words for the
perfect Lupita Nyong o, except
for one, perhaps---No. That is
what she should have said to
the Disney princess pale blue
I say this in the full realisation
that I could be nailed to a silk
cotton tree for daring to say any-
thing against the Queen of the
Red Carpet, who has been killing
in her celeb appearances.
Actually, after I shared my
opinion on the blue gown with
her, she sent me a handwritten
note, thanking me. "Dear Elsa,"
she began. "Thank you for your
interest in my wardrobe but drop
I cut out all the words after
"you" and framed the note
under her autographed picture,
which now hangs on the door
to my own closet, as a reminder
that a true opinionista can never
be too right.
Looking gorgeous is hard work
The fashion world swooned over Lupita Nyong'o's
blue dress at the Oscars but Elsa wasn't totally
impressed. AP PHOTO
Baby powder gets dusted into hair to give it more traction to make those updos stay where they belonged. Botox is injected
everywhere, including armpits to prevent sweating. On the big day, celebs avoid salt altogether to avoid the dread bloating
but they are allowed to eat maybe an egg and a tomato otherwise during the awards ceremony, they might bite somebody.
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