Home' Trinidad and Tobago Guardian : June 6th 2014 Contents A31
Friday, June 6, 2014 www.guardian.co.tt Guardian
Chippy's Tyre Shop
Specialized in New & Foreign Used Tyres and Rims
#22 Yard Street, Chaguanas
#106 Dow Village, South Oropouche
15" - $3,400.00
17" - $4,300.00
Ryan: 310-0235, 672-5271 Rishi: 299-8585, 677-5305
Monday was my birthday
and what have I got after
56 years battle against life s
Receding hairline, expanding
waistline, infrequent byline,
recurring punchline: five times
before, last year, and at five-year
intervals before that, in birthday
columns headlined, 55, 50, 40
and 35 with a Bullet, I ve repeated
the same hairline/waistline/byline
joke I first made in this column
when I was 30 with a Bullet.
After turning 30 "in the
papers," I decided to limit birth-
day columns to five-year intervals
and "significant" birthdays. You
assume stuff, at age 30---like your
continued existence---that, at 56,
you are highly aware is very
chancy. On Monday, eating
gluten-free birthday cake, it
struck me every birthday has now
become significant. At five-year
intervals, my birthday columns
reflected great changes: at 30, I
was living in London; at 35, reel-
ing from my father s death; at
40, my first child had just been
born; at 50, I moved from
Trinidad, where I always thought
I d die, to Barbados, where my
children had a better chance of
living; at 55, I moved into the last
house I m likely to live in.
But those huge five-year
changes are dwarfed by the one
that might happen any time
before I m 60 with a Bullet;
another way of saying the house
I m in now will be the last I live
in is that I ll die in that firetruck-
So, instead of giving you five
more rapid-fire bursts of advice
four years from now, I m hoping
you ll be getting single shots
around June 2 every year between
now and then. I have to say,
though, that thinking about my
own death lowers my opinion of
the rest of you: I suspect you will
all have the extreme bad manners
to continue living when I ve gone.
Here, then are the 56 undeni-
able things I ve gleaned from a
lifetime s worth of the sacred and
the profane holding either hand
as I ve limped along. You won t
get to Heaven following these
commandments, but you ll have
a Hell of a time.
1. Never fart in an elevator. 2.
Never give your real name. 3.
Marry your best friend. 4. Try
the legitimate method first. 5.
Clothes make the man. 6. Lift
the toilet seat. 7. You can t please
everybody, so firetruck everybody.
8. The less-talented are always
more critical. 9. Powerful men
are secretly terrified. 10. It s
obtained, not got. 11. David Rud-
der/Bunji Garlin is the future of
calypso. 12. The moment you
light your cigarette, the food
arrives. 13. Never sleep with a
girl called Ruby; never play pool
with a guy called Fats; never play
cards with a man called Doc (Tom
Waits); never vote for a political
party with three initials in its
name (me). 14. The hot girl in
the gym is not looking at you,
but at her reflection in the mirror
behind you. 15. Homophobes are
usually latent homosexuals. 16.
There is no such thing as a free
lunch. 17. If you re going to kick
authority in the teeth, you might
as well use both feet (Keith
Richards). 18. You reap what you
sow. 19. Walk, don t run, across
the street. 20. Speak of the Devil
and he appears. 21. Don t cuss in
new company until they cuss. 22.
Time flies. 23. If it s fun, it s
immoral; it it s really fun, it s ille-
gal; if it s really, really fun, it s
illegal in Texas; if it makes sense,
the PNM/UNC will teach the
opposite in the CSE curriculum.
24. Feed the dog; stroke the cat;
walk like an Egyptian. 25 Nothing,
not even business, is more pow-
erful than love. 26. If you must
smoke, use a filter; if you must
drink, don t drive. 27. Don t
smoke or drink. 28. Use condoms.
29. Spend a few bucks on a
quality reversible belt/little black
dress. 30. Politicians haven t a
clue. 31. You re going to die. 32.
You re going to be re-born. 33.
Things get better. 34. God wants
us to have plenty sex but few
children. 35. Wherever you go,
there you are. 36. Enough is as
good as a feast. 37. Money won t
get you to Heaven, but you sure
see Hell without it (Christian Sol-
dier/Gary Hector). 38. "Holy"
books are more book than holy:
interpret them for yourself. 39.
One man s meat is another man s
poison. 40. Children are a better
high than drugs and alcohol. 41.
All things must pass (George Har-
rison). 42. Be the change you
want in the world. (Gandhi). 43.
Brrrrrrtttt! (Bunji). 44. The only
one you can rely on is you but
you have to trust others or you
might as well shoot yourself. 45.
We die alone for sure but we may
be able to live together. 46. It
takes all kinds. 47. The Age of
Reason will arise. 48. For every
liberty you take, there is a
responsibility you must assume.
49. All you really have is time;
and you re wasting most of it.
50. There is nothing as supportive
or destructive as a parent s love
or its lack. 51. The only person
you can change is yourself. 52.
God is not omnipotent, but frag-
ile, and needs our love, not our
obedience. 53. Those people are
indeed talking about you. 54. The
more vehemently anyone rails
against anything---therapy, same-
gender sex, corruption-investi-
gation, Viagra---the more desper-
ately they need it. 55. Anger is a
poison you take and hope your
enemy dies. 56. One day I ll have
to get a real job.
BC y A
y B y B
56 WITH A BULLET
THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY
I moved from
Trinidad, where I
always thought I'd
die, to Barbados,
where my children
had a better chance
of living; at 55, I
moved into the last
house I'm likely to
You must be 18 years or
over to use these services,
all calls cost $13.80 minute.
This service only works with
a TSTT & BMobile phones
and are for entertainment
purposes. Call 900-1022.
For help call 800 4365
Content provided by
Opera Interactive (Trinidad)
Links Archive June 5th 2014 June 7th 2014 Navigation Previous Page Next Page